⇪ Free Download Format Kindle [ Unbearable Lightness: A Story of Loss and Gain ] ⩹ PDF Author Portia de Rossi ⫣ ⇪ Free Download Format Kindle [ Unbearable Lightness: A Story of Loss and Gain ] ⩹ PDF Author Portia de Rossi ⫣ PROLOGUEHE DOESNT WAIT until Im awake He comes into my unconscious to find me, to pull me out He seizes my logical mind and disables it with fear I awake already panic stricken, afraid I wont answer the voice correctly, the loud, clear voice that reverberates in my head like an alarm that cant be turned off What did you eat last night Since we first met when I was twelve hes been with me, at me, barking orders A drill sergeant of a voice that is pushing me forward, marching ahead, keeping time When the voice isnt giving orders, its counting Like a metronome, it is predictable I can hear the tick of another missed beat and in the silence between beats I anxiously await the next tick like the constant noise of an intermittently dripping faucet, it keeps counting in the silences when I want to be still It tells me to never miss a beat It tells me that I will get fat again if I do.The voice and the ticks are always very loud in the darkness of the early morning The silences that I cant fill with answers are even louder God, what did I eat Why cant I remember I breathe deeply in an attempt to calm my heartbeat back to its resting pulse As I do, my nostrils are filled with stale cigarette smoke that hung around from the night before like a party guest whod passed out on the living room sofa after everybody else went home The digital clock reads 4 06, nine minutes before my alarm was set to wake me I need to use the restroom, but I cant get out of bed until I can remember what I ate.My pupils dilate to adjust to the darkness as if searching for an answer in my bedroom Its not coming The fact that its not coming makes me afraid As I search for the answer, I perform my routine check Breasts, ribs, stomach, hip bones I grab roughly at these parts of my body to make sure everything is as I left it, a defensive measure, readying myself for the possible attack from my panic addled brain At least I slept The last few nights Ive been too empty and restless, too flightylike I need to be weighted to my bed and held down before I can surrender to sleep Ive been told that sleep is good for weight loss It recalibrates your metabolism and shrinks your fat cells But why it would be better than moving my legs all night as if I were swimming breaststroke I dont really know Actually, now that I think about it, it must be bullshit Swimming like someone is chasing me would have to burn calories than lying motionless like a fat, lazy person I wonder how long Ive been that way Motionless I wonder if that will affect my weight loss today.I feel my heartbeat, one, two, threeits quickening I start breathing deeply to stop from panicking, IN one two, OUT three four Start counting 60 30 10 100I start over I need to factor in the calories burned Yesterday I got out of bed and walked directly to the treadmill and ran at 7.0 for 60 minutes for a total of negative 600 calories I ate 60 calories of oatmeal with Splenda and butter spray and black coffee with one vanilla flavored tablet I didnt eat anything at all at work And at lunch I walked on the treadmill in my dressing room for the hour Shit I had only walked The fan I had rigged on the treadmill to blow air directly into my face so my makeup wouldnt be ruined had broken Thats not true, actually Because Im so lazy and disorganized, Id allowed the battery to run down so the plastic blades spun at the speed of a seaside Ferris wheel I need that fan because my makeup artist is holding me on virtual probation at work While I am able to calm down the flyaway hairs that spring up on my head after a rigorous workout, the mascara residue that deposits under my eyes tells the story of my activities during my lunch break She had asked me to stop working out at lunch I like Sarah and I dont want to make her job difficult, but quitting my lunchtime workout isnt an option So I bought a fan and some rope and put together a rig that, when powered by fully charged batteries, simulates a head on gale force wind and keeps me out of trouble.As I sit up in bed staring into the darkness, my feet making small circles to start my daily calorie burn, I feel depressed and defeated I know what I ate last night I know what I did All of my hard work has been undone And Im the one who undid it I start moving my fingers and thumbs to relieve the anxiety of not beginning my morning workout because Im stuck here again having to answer the voice in my head.Its time to face last night It was yogurt night, when I get my yogurt ready for the week Its a dangerous night because theres always a chance of disaster when I allow myself to handle a lot of food at one time But I had no indication that I was going to be in danger I had eaten my 60 calorie portion of tuna normally, using chopsticks and allowing each bite of canned fish to be only the height and width of the tips of the chopsticks themselves After dinner, I smoked cigarettes to allow myself the time I needed to digest the tuna properly and to feel the sensation of fullness I went to the kitchen feeling no anxiety as I took out the tools I needed to perform the weekly operation the kitchen scale, eight small plastic containers, one blue mixing bowl, Splenda, my measuring spoon, and my fork I took the plain yogurt out of the fridge and, using the kitchen scale, divided it among the plastic containers adding one half teaspoon of Splenda to each portion When I was satisfied that each portion weighed exactly two ounces, I then strategically hid the containers in the top section of the freezer behind ice crusted plastic bags of old frozen vegetables so the yogurt wouldnt be the first thing I saw when I opened the freezer door.Nothing abnormal so far.With that, I went back to the sofa and allowed some time to pass I knew that the thirty minutes it takes for the yogurt to reach the perfect consistency of a Dairy Queen wasnt up, and that checking in on it was an abnormality, but thats exactly what I did I walked into the kitchen, I opened the freezer, and I looked at it And I didnt just look at the portion I was supposed to eat I looked at all of it.I slammed the freezer door shut and went back to the living room I sat on the dark green vinyl sofa facing the kitchen and smoked four cigarettes in a row to try to take away the urge for that icy cold sweetness, because only when I stopped wanting it would I allow myself to have it I didnt take my eyes off the freezer the whole time I sat smoking, just in case my mind had tricked me into thinking I was smoking when I was actually at that freezer bingeing Staring at the door was the only way I could be certain that I wasnt opening it By now the thirty minutes had definitely passed and it was time to eat my portion I knew the best thing for me in that moment would be to abstain altogether, because eating one portion was the equivalent of an alcoholic being challenged to have one drink But my overriding fear was that the pendulum would swing to the other extreme if I skipped a night Ive learned that overindulging the next day to make up for the 100 calories in the minus column from the day before is a certainty.I took out my one allotted portion at 8 05 and mashed it with a fork until it reached the perfect consistency But instead of sitting on the sofa savoring every taste in my white bowl with green flowers, using the fork to bring it to my mouth, I ate the yogurt from the plastic container over the kitchen sink with a teaspoon I ate it fast The deviation from the routine, the substitution of the tools, the speediness with which I ate silenced the drill sergeant and created an opening that invited in the thoughts Im most afraid ofthoughts created by an evil force disguising itself as logic, poised to manipulate me with common sense Reward yourself You ate nothing at lunch Normal people eat four times this amount and still lose weight Its only yogurt Do it You deserve it.Before I knew it, I was on the kitchen floor cradling the plastic Tupperware containing Tuesdays portion in the palm of my left hand, my right hand thumb and index finger stabbing into the icy crust I ran my numb, yogurt covered fingers across my lips and sucked them clean before diving into the container for As my fingers traveled back and forth from the container to my mouth, I didnt have a thought in my head The repetition of the action lulled the relentless chatter into quiet meditation I didnt want this trancelike state to end, and so when the first container was done, I got up off the floor and grabbed Wednesdays yogurt before my brain could process that it was still only Monday By the time I came back to my senses, I had eaten six ounces of yogurt.The alarm on my bedside table starts beeping Its 4 15 a.m Its time for my morning workout I have exactly one hour to run and do sit ups and leg lifts before I get in the car to drive forty five minutes to the set for my 6 00 a.m makeup call I dont have any dialogue today I just need to stand around with the supercilious smirk of a slick, high powered attorney while Ally McBeal runs around me in circles, working herself into a lather of nerves But even if Id had actual acting to think about, my only goal today is to be comfortable in my wardrobe God, I feel like shit No matter how hard I run this morning, nothing can take away the damage done As I slip out of bed and do deep lunges across the floor to the bathroom, I promise myself to cut my calorie intake in half to 150 for the day and to take twenty laxatives That should do something to help But its not the weight gain from the six ounces of yogurt that worries me Its the loss of self control Its the fear that maybe Ive lost it for good I start sobbing now as I lunge my way across the floor and I wonder how many calories Im burning by sobbing Sobbing and lungingits got to be at least 30 calories It crosses my mind to vocalize my thoughts of self loathing, because speaking the thoughts that fuel the sobs would have to burn calories than just thinking the thoughts and so I say, Youre nothing Youre average Youre an ordinary, average, fat piece of shit You have no self control Youre a stupid, fat, disgusting dyke You ugly, stupid, bitch As I reach the bathroom and wipe away the last of my tears, Im alarmed by the silence the voice has stopped.When its quiet in my head like this, thats when the voice doesnt need to tell me how pathetic I am I know it in the deepest part of me When its quiet like this, thats when I truly hate myself 2010 Portia de RossiWritten with artistry, compelling insight and lucid frankness, Unbearable Lightness offers solid hope and inducement to initiate the odyssey toward self knowledge and acceptance The New York TimesA stark, well written portrait of how De Rossi lost control of her life as she became consumed by her struggle for perfection and acceptance Washington PostIn prose as simply elegantand as powerfulas a little black dress, De Rossi weaves together three themesthe impact of a loving, but lonely girlhood as the child of a single mother, the corrosive effect of constant doubts about her appearance and the internal struggle over her sexuality Los Angeles Times 5 star review De Rossis attention to detail is hypnotic USA TodayThe blunt, pity free matter of factness with which de Rossi shares secrets and lies about her eating disorders and her sexuality makes this forthright confessional story at once shocking and instructional, especially for younger women who may be secretly suffering on their own Entertainment WeeklyDe Rossi artfully draws the reader into the tension of a life lived in secrecyher story is a cautionary tale, an inspiration, and a triumph Publishers WeeklyAn unflinching self portraitfrank, brave, and revelatory Booklist Breathtakingly honest, brutal and beautiful Jonathan Safran FoerDe Rossi tells her story with genuine insight and unflinching honesty You will cheer her on Jeannette WallsDe Rossis memoir reminds us that fame and celebrity are no substitute for feeling comfortable in ones own skin Jodi Picoult Unbearable Lightness A Story of Loss and Gain Portia de Unbearable Rossi on FREE shipping qualifying offers An unusually fresh engrossing memoir both Hollywood modern womanhood Los Angeles Times In this searing The Being Wikipedia The Czech Nesnesiteln lehkost byt is a novel by Milan Kundera, about two women, men, dog their lives in the Prague Spring period Czechoslovak history Although written , was not published until years later, French translation as L Insoutenable lgret l tre Rotten Tomatoes gorgeous adaptation Kundera s same name one my favorite books It story Tomas, surgeon living Of Porn Videos Pornhub Watch porn videos for free, here Pornhub Discover growing collection high quality Most Relevant XXX movies clips No other 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