ῴ reading The Marriage Book: Centuries of Advice, Inspiration, and Cautionary Tales from Adam and Eve to Zoloft online ῷ By Lisa Grunwald ‡ ῴ reading The Marriage Book: Centuries of Advice, Inspiration, and Cautionary Tales from Adam and Eve to Zoloft online ῷ By Lisa Grunwald ‡ The Marriage Book INTRODUCTION Even at its very best, marriage is not for the faint of heart It can be founded on love or property, faith or geopolitics, the urge to procreate or the unexpected realization that you already have But no matter how or why it begins, marriage demands an improbable journey, the private, perilous, hopeful journey from I to we The route is by nature serendipitous, marked by rocky terrain and peaceful coves, murky troughs and dazzling summits There will be unfamiliar languages and unaccustomed currency treasured souvenirs and dirty laundry things you lose by accident, andas with any kind of travelpleasures you could never have known just by looking at the pictures Of course, the exact destination will be different for different travelers But for most readers of this book, the ideal will probably be some version of a landscape filled with contentment and passion help and forgiveness honesty, patience, promises and, lets not forget, love that never dies How do you plot your course If youre not married, you might want to know what makes a marriage succeed or fail Does everybody get cold feet And how cold is cold enough so that you should pivot and flee When people say marriage takes work, do they mean break your back, build a pyramid work, or do they mean be a grown up and think before you talk work If you are married, you might want to ponder the peculiar mathematics by which love can be spent and replenished at the same time how its possible to be thrilled, or at least delighted, by a body youve seen naked too many times to count how to repair a hurt ego how to understand failings but resist disdain how to give without feeling used how to need without being needy You wont find a single answer in this book you will find hundreds Countless writerswhether of books, movies, poetry, jokes, songs, letters, or fortune cookieshave had something to say about marriage Grecian urns depicted it, as did Egyptian hieroglyphics and Archie comics Google the word marriage and any other noun, and youll find some connection Marriage and pasta Marriage and car Marriage and bathroom sink first hit Bathroom fixtures that will save your marriage In the pages that follow, youll find proverbs and tweets, poetry and photographs, ads and cartoons, plays and sitcoms, movies and eulogies, and one memorable wedding toast, from Mel Brooks Never give your real name What youll find is an A to Z of some of the wittiest observations, as well as some of the wisest Is marriage a legal contract or a religious sacrament A romantic ideal or societys bedrock Look no further than yesterdays news for fervent debates about what the true purpose of the institution is, was, and should be But this book is not a history of marriage and doesnt pretend to settle such questions Rather, it is an attempt to capture the myriad ways in which marriage has been experienced and explained Over the ages and these pages , marriage has been defined as a cage Montaigne , a fruit Finnish proverb , a tomb Casanova , an ordeal Joseph Campbell, but he meant it in a good way , a debt Julia Ward Howe , and a dream or rather a dweam wiffim a dweam, The Princess Bride Like love, death, and happiness, marriage seems to beg for a metaphor see a journey, six paragraphs up , and giving marital advice seems to be an almost atavistic need How to books and how to lists have abounded through time Sometimes the titles seemed to say it all, like the 1886 How to Be Happy Though Married Back in the thirteenth century, an Italian mother gave her daughter a list of a dozen prohibitions, beginning with the somewhat quixotic Do not be joyful if he is sad, or sad if he is joyful In 1902, a Pennsylvania wife compiled a set of twelve commandments, including one involving the frequency of her husbands bathing, another the removal of his mothers cow In 1936, the British author of How to Be a Good Husband cautioned in one of his many instructions Dont think that your wife has placed waste paper baskets in the rooms as ornaments Naturally enough, one recurrent theme in marital advice has been what to look for in a husband or wifeand perhaps frequently, what to avoid In 1969, Martha Gellhorn, ex wife of Ernest Hemingway, wrote to her son No woman should ever marry a man who hated his mother An African proverb warned men against marrying women with bigger feet than their own And sometime around 500 BC, a Hindu text advised Do not marry a girl who has red hair or an extra limb or is named after a constellation, a tree, or a river Weddings and wedding nights have been other popular topics In these pages, youll find a 1901 suggestion on what a best man should do with a grooms hat, Margaret Sangers pragmatic suggestion that a Pullman car is hardly a proper setting for the first conjugal embrace, and W F Robies solemn and surprising 1920 plea for honeymoon foreplay Young husband Dont say much but slowly and carefully feel your way Kiss without shame, for she desires it, your wifes lips, tongue, neck and, as Shakespeare says If these founts be dry, stray lower where the pleasant fountains lie Indeed, what would marriage be without sex Just marriage, some couples might be quick to answer acerbically Youll find plenty of thoughts about sex under S, naturally how, when, and why its a good idea to have it Much of it is directed at women, with the assumption that theyre the ones who have to keep things interesting But back in 1829, no less a thinker than Honor de Balzac addressed his advice, refreshingly, to husbands Just as ideas go on increasing indefinitely, so it ought to be with pleasures Every night should have its own menu When we started compiling this book, we thought it would be a compendium of only such direct advice We were enchanted, as we certainly hope you will be, by the way that so many recognizable questionsand so many varied answershave come down through the ages But we soon realized that we were missing the kinds of insights that come not from rules or maxims but from experience and stories In other words, to extend our marriage as journey metaphor, we wanted to produce an anthology that would be both a travel guide and a travelogue So when it came to looking at proposals, for example, we were amused by the trendy suggestions of contemporary engagement planners, not very different in spirit from a 1907 advice column called The Ticklish Art of Proposing Marriage But how could any section on proposals exclude the unrivaled cluelessness of William Collinss approach to Elizabeth Bennet in Pride and Prejudice, or the half romantic, half cynical deal Rhett offers Scarlett in Gone With the Wind Likewise, thinking about conflict, we found it fascinating to read the how to rules for fair fighting that were offered at a Los Angeles marriage clinic back in 1969 But we also wanted a glimpse of famous fighters like Liz and Dick, Napoleon and Josephine, Ralph and Alice And we couldnt forget the acid line of Martha to George in Edward Albees Whos Afraid of Virginia Woolf I swear, if you existed, Id divorce you With the exception of Anne Morrow Lindberghs suggestion in 1955 that spouses take separate vacations, we found little direct advice about the benefits of spending time apart But a lot of inspiring entries were the result of just such separations Despite his drinking and general debauchery, the poet Dylan Thomas, on his first trip to America, wrote to his wife with passionate longing Why oh why did I think I could live, I could bear to live, I could think of living, for all these torturing, unending, echoing months without you, Cat, my life, my wife, my wife on earth and in Gods eyes, my reason for my blood, breath, and bone Gladys Knight and the Pips sang it succinctly in 1973 Ill be with him On that midnight train to Georgia Id rather live in his world Than live without him in mine So often, the experiences we read about defied our expectations and may even have surprised the men and women who wrote about them How poignant that, for all his many witty and wise instructions and aphorisms about marriage, Mark Twain was never profound about the institution than when, after the death of his wife, he boarded a steamer from Naples to New York, and wrote in his journal June 29 Sailed last night, at ten The bugle called to breakfast I recognized the notes, and was distressed When I heard them last Livy heard them with me now they fall upon her ears unheeded The weather is beautiful, the sea is smooth and curiously blue In my life there have been 68 Junesbut how vague and colorless 67 of them are contrasted with the deep blackness of this one And how shattering that the brilliant theoretical physicist Richard Feynman, a man who helped the world understand the nature of reality, would write a letter to his wife two years after her death and apologize for not having her current address Editing this book together supplied us with our own leg of a marital journey that began in 1987 with a blind date and a really good kiss We got engaged just a few months after that, and phone calls from friends and relatives soon followed, with an understandable refrain of the three words Are you sure And then, after a wedding most memorable for the way that even the flowers in Lisas hair shook as her father tried to pilot her toward the center of the aisle, we began to receive our own share of marital advice You dont have to tell each other every thought you have Never go to bed angry Combine your bank accounts You can trash your own relatives, but never your spouses Have a weekly date night Share your love with the people around you Some of this advice was truly helpful Some of it we even followed But one piece of advice we obviously ignored was Never work together Why did we tempt fate We thought it would be fun Back on Valentines Day in 1997, a flirtation with the notion of editing a collection of love letters evolved into the idea of telling the centurys history in letters Letters of the Century America, 19001999 was the result, and along the way, we reveled in the treasure hunt and the pride in a double byline The book was enough of a success that it spawned another Womens Letters America from the Revolutionary War to the Present, and in finding the voices of those women in that researchso often frank and confidingwe ended up thinking that a book about marriage would offer further emotional and admittedly voyeuristic pleasures Reading about other peoples marriages, we figured, would be a lot like going to a series of dinner parties where the couples have a little too much to drink and you get to spend the ride home dishing about whats really going on with them Frankly, we anticipated that lifting the veil or the covers would reveal lost illusions than fairy tale moments What surprised us was the persistence with which the crazy optimism of marriage kept coming through, and the extent to which some of the most distant exampleswhether in time or placeheld a personal resonance for us The story of Rachel Calof, for example, seemed thoroughly remote at first a Russian immigrant homesteader, she was the bride in an arranged marriage who wrote about making lunch for her new husband by gathering garlic, grass, and mushrooms from the untamed North Dakota land, making dough from flour and prairie water, and coffee from ground barley Never was there a delightful dinner than that one The food was delectable and our shanty was filled with happiness After we finished our meal, Abe insisted on knowing all the details of my accomplishment As he listened, his gladness became tinged with a sadness that our condition was such that I was reduced to searching the prairie for food But nothing could destroy the magic of that hour The struggle for the bare necessities of life was something we had luckily never had to experience during our marriage But Rachels journal entry struck a very personal chord We were moved by the resilience with which she had faced the necessary tasks and by the pride she felt in making her spouse happy Mostly we were reminded how the most sublime moments in a marriage can come at the most unexpected times For us, its never been garlic soup on the prairie, but eating Indian takeout while watching Mad Men on TV has come pretty close Then, too, unless you count the adulterous heroine in one of Lisas novels about whom Stephen has caught no end of flak , neither of us has had any personal experience with adultery But this books entries about famous cheatersfrom Hester Prynne to Yves Montand I think a man can have two, maybe three affairs After that, youre cheating , as well as the cheatedlike Nora Ephron the man is capable of having sex with a venetian blind turned out to have personal resonance as well As cautionary tales, those entries steered us back to the inspirational examples of the two great Homers the Greek poet who described the fidelity of Penelope as she wove and unwove a burial shroud to keep her suitors at bay and Homer Simpson, who, when faced with the temptation of a hotel tryst with an office colleague, answered the catcalls of a bellhop with All Im gonna use this bed for is sleeping, eating, and maybe building a little fort We are hopeful that readers of this book will be able to build or reaffirm their own marital credos from its pages For what its worth, here are ours We believe that to love and honor really means to support and, if necessary, forcibly extract the best of each other Not always simple It doesnt just mean remembering to inspire and cheer it means remembering what to inspire and cheerespecially when your spouse falters or forgets The great poet William Butler Yeats never got to marry the love of his life, but in 1909 he wrote a journal entry that perfectly described how a marriage could uphold this kind of promise In wise love each divines the high secret self of the other and, refusing to believe in the mere daily self, creates a mirror where the lover or the beloved sees an image to copy in daily life When asked recently what he considered his greatest accomplishment to be, Stephen King said Staying married We readily concede that many marriages go terribly, even tragically, wrong that some should never have taken place that many must end But we also believe that the vow as long as you both shall love which we heard at several weddings some years back is not a vow but a timid, silly, New Age, cover your asses tautology We believe in as long as you both shall livein staying on the marriage journey if you possibly can For all the probable detours and delays and wrong turns, the challenge and promise of this journey is perhaps best evoked by Tennyson in his 1867 poem Marriage Morning Heart, are you great enough For a love that never tires O heart, are you great enough for love I have heard of thorns and briers Over the thorns and briers, Over the meadows and stiles, Over the world to the end of it Flash for a million miles.NPR Best Books of 2015 A New York Times Summer Reading Pick A lively anthology of letters, jokes, songs, novels, movies, plays and poems about every aspect of this noble or, on occasion, ignoble institution, from wedding day to divorce with entries that are sincere and unforgettable The Wall Street Journal Refreshingly unsappy This idiosyncratic compilation includes Bill Clinton s 1998 grand jury testimony, a reddit thread about whether to hyphenate your name, and advice from Ovid on playing hard to get Like that funny guy or gal you met at the party, this sweet, smart, A to Z guide never takes itself too seriously, and before you know it, you ll find yourself falling in love NPR s Book Concierge A delightful book the perfect gift for anyone who has ever been married, plans to, or is determined to avoid it Read it and smile Hudson Valley News Marries scholarship and irresistible ephemera The Approval Matrix, New York Magazine A widely researched, generously illustrated, and essentially optimistic alphabetfrom Adam and Eve to In Laws to Zoloftof what the married authors call the private, perilous, hopeful journey from I to we Lisa Shea Elle Magazine A cultural scrapbook on the resilience of a fraught institution If we sometimes wonder, a little uneasily, how we ended up viewing the institution instrumentally than romantically, The Marriage Book offers reassurance that marriage has for a long time inspired a dizzying mix of pragmatism and passion Illuminating The Atlantic A dowry of wisdom from writers, artists, sexperts, and politicians Hot Type, Vanity Fair An anthology of advice and stories, running the gamut from Adam and Eve to quotes from comedian Louis CK Time For Your Marriage Helps couples at all stages of life to understand and live God s plan for happy, holy marriages For Marriage is an initiative the Catholic Church Marriage vows Wikipedia are promises each partner in a couple makes other during wedding ceremony based upon Western Christian norms They not universal marriage necessary most legal jurisdictions even within marriage, as Eastern Christians do have their traditional ceremonies An American A Novel Oprah Book Club An Selection Kindle edition by Tayari Jones Download it once read on your device, PC, phones or tablets Use features like bookmarks, note taking highlighting while reading Silver Sparrow lays bare devastating effects wrongful imprisonment this piercing tale unspooling Roy, ambitious corporate executive, Celestial, talented artist daughter self made millionaire, struggle maintain fledgling union when Roy sentenced years prison rape charge he adamant false Happy Wives One Woman Worldwide Search woman worldwide search secrets great Happy Fawn Weaver journey 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today prepared good bad may happen Certificate License, Obtain certified copy record contains information between individuals On record, can least find bride groom full names, date county where took place Nicky Lee Goodreads those getting married knowing ups downs just bed roses isn easy Disney portrays, sometimes true dries commitment lifelong learning process quite happy early Book In Centuries Advice, Inspiration, Cautionary Tales from Adam Eve Zoloft, real Lisa Grunwald Stephen Adler offer kind compendium advice down into sections things sex, grievances, infidelity, expectations Feb , Spanning centuries cultures, sources genres, offers entries ancient history modern politics, poetry pamphlets, plays songs, newspaper ads postcards Z compendium, exploring topics Anniversaries, Fidelity Freedom, Separations Grunwald, Lee, Sila Charlie Mackesy Full practical advice, bestselling designed prepare, build, mend essential any engaged Map Therapy road map creating maintaining healthy, enduring, still romantic nicely balanced its readers identify wife, husband, both authors practical, funny, wise ALPHA BOOKS May Description reader friendly uses principles faith help build loving caring About Author been over three sons staff Holy Trinity Brompton London Save Free PDF eBooks Nov Save author described detail how save Most importantly, method really works helped hundreds Test our dates before i do recounts year spent awkward, emotional, adventure We agreed start If went well d spend lives together if not, were Must Thing This faint heart, but wade come deeper understanding intended reflect eternal realities Christian Christianbook Spiritual Resources Biblical strong thrive nearly half end Our resources include books challenges keeping alive healthy Topics range romance sexuality prevention infidelity Best Dec Act Beauty Sexual Love updated expanded includes after sixty section, five created perfect gift newlyweds want make lovemaking joy Delivery Letter Editor Time Name 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