≳ recommended ᥚ My Life as a Goddess: A Memoir through (Un)Popular Culture to read ⊫ ePUB Author Guy Branum ⋮ ≳ recommended ᥚ My Life as a Goddess: A Memoir through (Un)Popular Culture to read ⊫ ePUB Author Guy Branum ⋮ My Life as a Goddess PROLOGUE LETO AND THE LYCIAN PEASANTS IN MY EIGHTH YEAR, my attentions turned to Greek mythology This is hardly unusual for children of that age, which is somewhat strange when you consider how much of Greek myth centers on rape, sexual kidnappings, and adulterous rendezvous between princesses and gods in the form of farm animals Somehow our culture has decided Greek myths are cool for third graders, but safe and reliable birth control is too much for a sixteen year old to learn about That said, I am not here to challenge Americas educational morality Im here to write a collection of humorous personal essays Like most people who write collections of humorous personal essays, I was a bookish child Other boys my age focused most of their time on yelling, trying to fart on each other, and generally not obeying rules The vast majority of male eight year olds love to break rules It is their greatest passion Mashing their food together in the cafeteria and pretending its barf Yelling boobs during a nice assembly where we learn about Irish step dancing Maiming beauty They love it Their fierce defiance of what moms and teachers want out of them is what fuels their spirits I have never understood these creatures A small but resolute minority of eight year old boys love the rules Rules are our only protection from the senseless engines of chaos we share classrooms with They are that quiet, obedient opposition who would like silence and beauty and assemblies about Irish step dancing to be preserved I was one of those boys Third grade is a difficult place for us, so we seek the safety of a world where systems work and laws are obeyed age appropriate adventure books I grew up in a town where absolutely nothing happened Its a farm town in California, but not the good part of California We will get to that later What you need to know is that it was a place devoid of importancepolitical, economic, or philosophicaland any story that happened there centered on alcoholism and or domestic violence No one went to college, no one started a business, no one traveled anywhere but Disneyland or a lake I grew up in a place with no dreams As a little kid in a little town where very little happened, Greek myths made me feel connected to the important stuff There were kings, sorceresses, and human embodiments of abstract concepts people who were in charge of things If I was never going to meet any sophisticated folks in my real life, maybe I could learn how they operated from a book And Greek myths were full of people performing tasks I was too scared and fat and indoorsy to do myself I wasnt like those idiots I went to school with If one day I planned to do stuff that required being brave and bold, I would have to do a lot of research and planning first In the sad, poor portable building that passed for a sad, poor library at my sad, poor public elementary school, I found a series of books They were adaptations of stories from Greek mythology by a woman named Doris Gates they had titles like Lord of the Sky Zeus and The Warrior Goddess Athena They were full of shortish episodes from The Odyssey, or Theogony, or Metamorphoses, made palatable for children I consumed them with an enthusiasm I normally reserved for meatballs or banana pudding The Golden God Apollo was yellow, naturally, and on its cover was a man of preternatural beauty, a 1970s decadence of oranges and yellows and black One of the first stories in it told of the birth of the sun god, Apollo, and his sister, Artemis, the moon I will now tell you that story to the best of my recollection So Zeus had sex with Leto, who was one of his sisters, as was his wife, Hera, but Hera was jealous That was what Hera did She got mad at Zeus about the women he fucked She couldnt stop him, because he was the king of the gods, and she couldnt punish him Hera got the throne and the diadem and all the perks of being the wifey, but she knew he never really loved her This was the cruelest of tortures for one of the fairest and finest goddesses, so she did her part to spread the punishment around to the women he had sex with and the children he impregnated them with So Hera, regally pissed, banished Leto from Mount Olympus and placed the following curse on her sister Not a place on earth, nor in the sea, nor under the sun, could give Leto shelter lest it be subjected to Heras powerful wrath For nine months, Leto walked the earth Slowly, she grew great with child, but no place would give her food or drink or a safe place to stay In the hot sun of Attica, she paced and she paced, begging hills and meadows for comfort, and each one chased her away in some manner Finally, in the height of summer, giant with twins, she came to a pond where some peasants were washing clothes Leto knelt down by the pond and asked if she could drink from it The peasants noticed that she was pregnant and asked where her husband was Leto had no answer, so the peasants mocked her for being an unwed mother and kicked around the water in the pond until it got muddy and would be gross to drink Leto, hot, thirsty, pregnant, tired, all of itall of the kinds of DONEgot up and started to walk again Where She had no answer How was she going to have these kids when no one would even let her sit down Her spirit was broken Then she remembered that she was a goddess It was the most beautiful, wonderful sentence Id ever read Then she remembered that she was a goddess She turned around, raised her hands to the sky, and turned the peasants into frogs Kick in the mud forever, you basic amphibious bitches, she cursed That story changed me It isnt that Leto turned those asshole peasants into frogs the frog part is an afterthought The important part is that she remembered she was a goddess She had been too caught up in the dirty, base realities of the life she was leading to realize the audacity of the situation She was a goddess being condescended to by peasants The peasants didnt know who she was, but important, she had forgotten who she was I didnt know you could be a goddess and forget it I am not supposed to be a goddess I am very fat I am bald I have a faggy voice My family is poor My parents are uneducated I dress like a wet three year old My handwriting is bad I sweat a lot My parallel parking is amateurish Im wholly devoid of the skills required to make any ball go into any goal, hoop, or pocket Im not supposed to like myself, and Im certainly not supposed to think that I should matter The world has spent a lot of time telling me that, and in the past thirty or so years, I often listened, because we all listen The world is mostly full of fine facts and good lessons, but some of those facts and lessons were built to keep you down And I got kept down for decades Then I remembered that I was a goddess I may not always feel like it, but I have powers I am an amazing dancer Im quite ridiculously smart Im strong Im funny Babies like me I have very strong research skills I make passingly good Punjabi okra I have a law degree I sparkle on panel shows Im very good at listening when I try Its not amazing Its not lightning bolts or control of the seas, I cant turn myself into a swan and have my way with whatever man I like,1 but its enough for me And Doris Gates gave me my most important powerthe power to see myself I cant control what people see when they look at me Most people see a weird, fat, unsexy guy who is wearing cargo shorts even though he should know better I cant decide if you think Im beautiful, but I do get to decide if Im going to feel beautiful, and from the moment I first tried it, Ive been addicted So thats what this book is about, the life I was supposed to lead as a sad, fat, closeted bumpkin, and my decision to be something thoroughly fabulous My life has not been practical, it has not been meaningful, and it has been only periodically profitable, but it has at least stayed interesting Because a goddesss job isnt to be good, its to have compelling stories lyre players can tell about her at the courts of kings and princes Oh, and a goddess needs worshippers You dont need a lot in a pinch, just one will do On that Lycian field, Leto was just about the only person who believed in Leto, but it got the job done There have been numerous occasions when I was the only person who believed in me, but I made it through Thus, if you are at all interested in being a goddess, may I suggest starting this book by believing in yourself If youre nice enough to read my book, I at least owe you enough to believe in you, too 1.In addition to not having the power to shift my shape, I also just dont want to have to deal with all the think pieces such an act would prompt.Guy Branum is one of the funniest men I know.He is smart, fast, clever, and funny As f ck Go ahead and buy his book cuz.he ready Tiffany HaddishIts often enough for a comedian to be very funny Guy Branum not only makes you laugh out loud his perspective is singular, genuinely ballsy, and essential Many comedians are praised for saying things most of us think but are too scared to say Guy says the things we werent smart enough to think of in the first place.Billy EichnerEmpowering, funny, and so incredibly different from anything youve ever read, Guy Branums memoir made me laugh, it made me cry, and it made me very jealous No one else but him could write something this extraordinary.Ali WongGuy Branum knows everything A lot of people are funny, though few are as funny as Guy, but his intellectual curiosity and moral sure footedness make him not just a comic but a lifeline Long live our Patron Saint of Too Much.Lindy WestGuy Branum is a force of nature Hes written a book that is generous and withering, hilarious and precisely observed, putting his incredible talent toward trying to understand what it means to feel apart from the world I wish I could give this book to the 14 year old version of myself, who probably wouldnt have appreciated how much he needed it Youll devour every story and be struck by how lucky we all are to have Guys gay voice Just buy this f cking book, you idiots.Jon LovettKeenly observant and intelligent, Branums book not only offers uproarious insights into walking paths less traveled, but also into what self acceptance means in a world still woefully intolerant of difference Wickedly smart, funny, and witty Kirkus Reviews starred review An incisive and witty memoir Publishers WeeklyIn his unusually introspective and entertaining memoir, Mr Branum reveals himself as a trenchant, surprising critic New York TimesThis could have been a typical Hollywood memoir the story of someone triumphantly making it from one side of the television screen to the other But Guy has rarely fit the expectations thrust upon him This book is no different and is all the better for it Instead, readers get a tour of his life and the pop culture landscape with one of the funniest and wittiest tour guides in town Lambda Literary My Life As Toys Walmart Product Title My Jojo Candy Shop Play Set, Vibrantly Color Average rating out of stars, based on reviews ratings Current Price MyLifeAsEva YouTube Doll Clothes Accessories Dolls Dollhouses Showing results that match your query Search Result life as piece travel play set, made to fit my and other dolls Image Out stock products not sold by Walmart , doll Games inches Different Unique Styles Well Fit for American Girls Doll, Me, Generation Party Zealot Prime FREE Shipping eligible orders Show only items stars Target online at Target Free shipping purchases over save % every day with REDcard Size Love Plush, In Blonde Hearthsong HearthSong shipped Not in stores Add cart See offer details LIfe Toy Hunt Kitchen, Looking JoJo siwa Oct Hey guys It s best friends birthday she loves Siwa So I really want find her There is also new mini furniture we found You can use it Chelsea my eBay All Girl Smart Watch Teal band Tablet NEW like this New Listing MY LIFE AS JOJO SIWA DOLL PC TRAVEL SET Brand Time left d h bid OUTFITS PIECES CLOTHING UNICORN IN HAND m Followers Following, Posts videos from Eva a Teenage Robot TV Series IMDb Aug Debuting Nickelodeon follows the escapades Jenny, super powered robot sensitive teenage heart Her primary function protecting planet any disaster But, all teenagers, has own ideas about how would live always working, playing i decided book an Airbnb last minute road trip Big Bear watch vlogGuy Branum Wikipedia Guy born November comedian, writer, actor known head writer of, sketch performer on, X G network regular panelist Lately E He currently hosts podcast Pop Rocket Maximum Fun network, he host TruTV Talk Game Goddess A Memoir through Un Popular Culture stand up comedian his appearances Lately, Midnight, The Nightly Larry Wil, Meltdown Jonah KumailHe written such shows Another Period, Billy Street, Mindy Project, AwkwardHe culture political commentary publications Slate, York Times, Season Comedian brings distinct point view truTV Show, hilarious mashup two beloved television formats pits comedians celebrities against each title Best Guest Night Tissue Paper Hurricanes FYI GUY absolutely love these craft kids We are doing beach theme our Vacation Bible School year plan cutting flip flops, flowers put CAFE Please disable ad blockers or privacy extensions reload subscribe RELOAD NOW The Comedy Attic Attic Corner th Walnut Bloomington Powered SeatEngineSeatEngine Earwolf Podcast Network Earwolf home free audio podcasts celebrity guests ranging Aziz Ansari Zach Galifianakis Home Atria Books Casey Legler s, Godspeed been longlisted PEN ESPN Literary Sports Writing Award see titles here Erica Armstrong Dunbar, author Never Caught, was awarded Frederick Douglas Book Prize Yale University MacMillan Center Gilder Lehrman Institute History City Check Gaby Dunn Bad With Money Laughing Skull Lounge Voted Atlanta Club Jamie Lee Thu Feb Sun Atlanta, GA actress, one core cast members hit MTV show GirlCode, well Things Worst Adventures Gyno Star Fighting forces evil adventures brought you amazing Social Justice Warriors Patreon Charlotte Clymer Elle Becker Anderson My Life as a Goddess: A Memoir through (Un)Popular Culture

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